A Man Walks into a Cheesesteak Shop...

The inadvertent metaphor of JD Vance's trip to Pat's

Two summers ago, in the midst of a contentious Senate campaign, celebrity-snake-oil-salesman-turned-politician Dr. Mehmet Oz attempted to cosplay as a relatable Pennsylvanian with a photo op at Geno’s Steaks in South Philadelphia. As a self-styled cheesesteak scholar, I wrote an extensive analysis about the event, arguing that Oz visiting a steak joint that is both incredibly mediocre and proudly bigoted in its signage was a poignant metaphor for his campaign. Not least because Oz, beset by allegations of carpetbagging given his longtime residence in New Jersey, picked a lunch spot famous for being a tourist trap.

A Complete Breakdown of Cheesesteakgate

Fast-forward to this June, when I first felt the existential dread of realizing that Donald Trump could actually win a second term. It wasn’t the night of the now-infamous debate, when Joe Biden looked so overwhelmed and inarticulate that he somehow made Trump of all people look comparatively poised. It was five days earlier, when Trump pregamed a rally in Philadelphia by going to Tony & Nick’s, the best cheesesteak joint in the city. Silly as it sounds, I read it as a scary sign of his inner circle’s competence. If someone in the Trump team were savvy enough to steer him to Tony & Nick’s, could they also guide his campaign to victory in November?

The last few weeks have brought a sea change in the Presidential race. Kamala Harris replaced Biden at the top of the ticket, a rare demonstration of humility from Democratic leadership that continues to drive a surge in the polls. She doubled down on these good vibes by choosing the affable and charming Tim Walz as her running mate over better-known but more-problematic candidates like Pete Buttigieg and Josh Shapiro. Meanwhile, Trump’s strategy had been to make the election a referendum on the incumbent’s unpopularity to deflect from his own; framing the campaign around age and fitness for office is now coming back to bite him.

And of course there’s JD Vance. A onetime darling of centrist circles, whose book Hillbilly Elegy was touted as required reading to understand the rural disaffectedness that brought Trump to the White House in 2016 — I read it at the cajoling of a friend and even at the time I was mystified by the hype — Vance has shamelessly transformed from a Trump critic to one of his fiercest allies. He was rewarded for his sycophancy with a spot on the Republican ticket despite his DeSantis-esque complete lack of charisma. It seems like every day Vance makes waves for his offensive or off-putting remarks, and he is already the least-popular VP pick of the 21st century. In the cutting words of Tim Walz, he is truly the embodiment of “weird.”

Lewie the Fewdie's Guide to Cheesesteaks

So it was only fitting for the current state of the Trump campaign that when Vance stopped in Philly for a cheesesteak photo op of his own on Monday afternoon, he completely flubbed it up.

For starters, Vance made the mistake of picking Pat’s King of Steaks for his lunch stop instead of a place that’s actually good. Of the two rival hoagie shops at the neon-lit corner of 9th and Passyunk, Pat’s is at least better than Geno’s; if you’re a non-Philadelphian whose only experiences with cheesesteaks are mall-food-court offerings with bell peppers and mayo, you may be impressed by the taste. But Pat’s steaks are greasy, they’re underseasoned, and they’re produced with such assembly-line efficiency that they don’t even bother to melt the cheese. It’s not just that they pale in comparison to the top-tier shops in the city, it’s that you can get a better cheesesteak at the average South Philly corner deli.

Once there, Vance committed a cardinal sin of ordering cheesesteaks: Mentioning Swiss cheese. (Lest you think this rhetoric is hyperbolic, this is a violation of Tony Luke’s fifth Cheesesteak Commandment.) While initial reports implying he had pulled a John Kerry and tried to order it on his steak proved to be fake news, the fact that he even mentioned Swiss at all was a major faux pas. It’s not just the infamous contrast between the haughty subtlety of Swiss cheese and the workmanlike nature of Philly’s signature sandwich — mirroring the tensions between Vance’s "hillbilly” self-image and his Ivy League education and career in venture capital. It’s also that Swiss is a terrible choice for a cheesesteak. A great cheesesteak almost definitionally has to feature a sharp, salty cheese to hold its own against the strong beefy flavor of ribeye. Cooper Sharp American is the current trendy choice. The bold flavor of cheese whiz, however artificial the flavor, also excels in this context. But something as delicate as Swiss? You would barely even taste it.

Why Do Cheesesteaks Outside Philadelphia Suck?

But the real kicker is that I suspect Pat’s wasn’t actually where Vance was supposed to go. For years, Pat’s across-the-street rival Geno’s was infamous for a sign in the window reading: This is America. When ordering please “SPEAK ENGLISH.” (Note that these gatekeepers of proper linguistic norms don’t know how to use quotation marks correctly.) They also displayed a Confederate flag in their storefront as recently as 2015 — in a Union state! These racist dog whistles are right up the alley of a nativist like Vance, which is probably why Dr. Oz knew he would have a friendly reception there. So why did Vance choose the steak shop whose public politics seem to lean to the left? I’m betting it was a mistake, which would be incredibly fitting for his political ineptitude.

The sign that once hung in the window at Geno’s Steaks (via Wikimedia Commons)

Not even two months ago, Donald Trump was digesting the best cheesesteak in the Delaware Valley, and therefore presumably the world, as he prepared for a debate so decisive that Biden’s position became untenable. Today, the running mate who is causing him headaches dined on a much worse sandwich while turning a layup photo op into yet another embarrassing flub. It’s an apt metaphor for how the race has changed. It’s a cheesy way of thinking when the steaks are this high, but now that the Harris campaign is on a roll, diving meaning from cheesesteak symbolism could make you a political whiz.