The Authoritative 2023 Popular Holiday Music Rankings

Sorting out the best — and worst — of our culture's December soundtrack

The existence of the song “Silent Night” is directly in tension with its premise. Nothing about the lead-up to Christmas is quiet, thanks largely to the ubiquity of holiday music. The lyrics’ insistence that “all is calm” rings hollow in a season in which every radio station and store PA system is blasting artificial merriment, the sonic equivalent of a room full of forced smiles. “Sleep in heavenly peace”? No, I lie awake at night in fear of someday learning that someone I love actually enjoys Straight No Chaser.

To be clear, I’m no Scrooge. I’ve been listening to Christmas music since before Thanksgiving — and I’m Jewish! My objection is not to the concept of a shared seasonal soundtrack, but to how low the standards for it are. The way I see it, disliking our collective indulgence for every celebrity’s half-assed Christmas album isn’t being a wet blanket. As with pointing out the demonstrable inferiority of the seasonal Reese's Peanut Butter Trees compared to the classic cups, it’s a sign that you care about the holiday spirit and don’t want to see it corrupted by cheap manufactured nostalgia.

In service of both recognizing the carols that do bring us goodness and light and calling out those whose work nearly ruins the most-wonderful time of the year, I humbly present my updated rankings of our cultural holiday-music canon.

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The most-controversial part of this annual-ish exercise is what should count under the umbrella of mainstream holiday music. My definition is simple: It’s what you are likely to hear incidentally without proactively seeking it out, like in the car or at the mall. Mostly this means it’s what DJs have been playing on soft-rock radio in Cleveland, Philadelphia, and Providence over the last decade or so. These choices have little to do with how good the song actually is, or how many better versions of the same carol are already in regular rotation. Aside a few songs that are not merely aurally but also morally offensive — Pentatonix’ butchering of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” triggers a different dimension of disgust than the cutesy predation of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” or the poverty porn that is “Christmas Shoes” — if a recording you’re looking for is not on this list, it is not because I don’t like it, but because (in my experience) it does not get frequent airplay. To be clear,

I did not forget your favorite song.

Complaining to me about an omission from these rankings does not increase its cultural cache. The best way to help a song get on next year’s list is to set a reminder for 11 months from now to call your local radio station and request it. (Though please still comment on this post with what it is!)

If you’ve read my efforts to create a generalizable taxonomic definition of a sandwich, you won’t be surprised that I have a lot of thoughts on what should and shouldn’t qualify as holiday music. Among my many hobby horses is that none of “Jingle Bells,” “Winter Wonderland,” and “Let it Snow” has anything to do with the holidays. The reflex to associate cold-themed songs with Christmas is no more sensical than deciding Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” is about the Fourth of July. “We Need a Little Christmas” is about it being the wrong time of year to celebrate Christmas, though ironically DJs now start playing holiday music even earlier than what was then considered fancifully premature for getting into the Yuletide spirit. Most preposterously, “Linus and Lucy” is about two secular characters and was written and released long before the Christmas special with which it is now associated. If a TV jingle can be retconned as a holiday song because it appears in a festive episode, then the themes to Pokémon and Spongebob Squarepants are fair game too. Your rolling your eyes as you read this paragraph is why I’m just going with what they play on the radio.

This is the first holiday season I have spent in Rhode Island since college, and most of this year’s additions reflect regional differences in DJs’ preferences. Songs that get more airplay in Providence range from the good, like Elvis Presley’s gorgeous “If I Get Home on Christmas Day,” the gold standard to which the many other ballads about promised or wished-for holiday travel all aspire; to the bad, like The Monkees’ lecherous “Unwrap You at Christmas”; to the anachronous, like Idina Menzel’s soaring take on the simple melody of “Caroling, Caroling,” which I liken to watering a houseplant with a firehose. Unfortunately I was honor-bound to cringe my way through this year’s most-ubiquitous new holiday song, Jimmy Fallon and Meghan Trainor’s grating “Wrap Me Up” — at least the gratuitous references to current tech fads should mean this sonic lump of coal will have a short shelf life. And the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York” makes its long-awaited list debut, having received more mainstream attention in the wake of Shane MacGowan’s recent passing.

It’s not worth wading into the reductive analysis of what makes good music good, but I should note that I consider a given recording of a song in the context of the versions that preceded it. For example, even though Judy Garland’s “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” does not get enough contemporary play to make this list — like I said, these are the DJs’ choices, not mine — it sets a very high bar for covers to measure up to. Hall & Oates’ “Jingle Bell Rock,” Sugar Ray’s “Little Saint Nick,” and LeAnn Rimes’ “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” are all inoffensive, but each loses points for being a mere banal replication of the original. On the other hand, Jack Johnson’s “Someday at Christmas” gets a boost in my eyes for successfully reinterpreting the song in such a new old-fashioned way.

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I spent over a month subjecting myself to some of the most-unappealing shlock to ever grace the public airwaves in the name of sorting these recordings by naughty or nice. So without further ado, counting backwards from No. 170:

170. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” — Pentatonix
169. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” — John Mellencamp
168. “Winter Wonderland” — Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga
167. “We Need A Little Christmas” — Kimberley Locke
166. “Sleigh Ride” — Amy Grant
165. “Frosty The Snowman” — Kimberley Locke
164. “Wrap Me Up” — Jimmy Fallon and Meghan Trainor
163. “Nuttin' For Christmas” — Art Mooney and Barry Gordon
162. “Sleigh Ride” — fun.
161. “Little Drummer Boy” — Pentatonix
160. “Winter Wonderland” — Air Supply
159. “The 12 Days of Christmas” — Straight No Chaser
158. “Snoopy's Christmas” — The Royal Guardsmen
157. “Sleigh Ride” — Air Supply
156. “This Holiday Night” — Margo Rey
155. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” — Gayla Peevey
154. “That's Christmas to Me” — Pentatonix

153. “Merry Christmas” — Ed Sheeran and Elton John
152. “DJ Play A Christmas Song” — Cher
151. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” — U2
150. “(I'm Spending) Hanukkah In Santa Monica” — Tom Lehrer
149. “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” — LeAnn Rimes
148. “Unwrap You at Christmas” — The Monkees
147. “Celebrate Me Home” — Kenny Loggins
146. “A Holly Jolly Christmas” — Lady A
145. “Christmas Time” — Backstreet Boys
144. “Celebrate Me Home” — LeAnn Rimes and Gavin DeGraw
143. “Little Drummer Boy” — Bob Seger
142. “Winter Wonderland” — Amy Grant
141. “Dominick the Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey)” — Lou Monte and Joe Reisman's Orchestra and Chorus
140. “Do They Know It's Christmas?” — Band Aid
139. “Christmas Canon” — Trans-Siberian Orchestra
138. “Mary, Did You Know?” — Pentatonix
137. “The Chanukah Song Part 4” — Adam Sandler

136. “Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town” — The Beach Boys
135. “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” — Justin Bieber
134. “Last Christmas” — Wham!
133. “Winter Wonderland” — Eurythmics
132. “Frosty the Snowman” — Ray Conniff
131. “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” — *NSYNC
130. “Santa Baby” — Taylor Swift
129. “Please Come Home For Christmas” — Jon Bon Jovi
128. “This Christmas” — Train
127. “Holly Jolly Christmas” — Michael Bublé
126. “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” — John Lennon and Yoko Ono
125. “This Christmas” — Seal
124. “It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” — Amy Grant
123. “We Need a Little Christmas” — Percy Faith & His Orchestra & Chorus
122. “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” — Rod Stewart and Dave Koz
121. “This Christmas” — Donny Hathaway
120. “I'll Be Home for Christmas” — Michael Bublé

119. “Deck the Halls” — Mannheim Steamroller
118. “Please Come Home for Christmas” — Eagles
117. “Jingle Bell Rock” — Daryl Hall & John Oates
116. “Last Christmas” — Taylor Swift
115. “Little Saint Nick” — Sugar Ray
114. “We Need a Little Christmas” — Andy Williams
113. “Frosty The Snowman” — Jimmy Durante
112. “(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays” — Perry Como
111. “Step Into Christmas” — Elton John
110. “Wonderful Christmastime” — Paul McCartney
109. “The Christmas Song” — Michael Bublé
108. “Santa Baby” — Madonna
107. “Someday At Christmas” — Stevie Wonder
106. “Christmas Time” — Bryan Adams
105. “The First Noel” — Carrie Underwood
104. “The Little Drummer Boy” — Harry Simeone Chorale
103. “The Chanukah Song, Part 2” — Adam Sandler

102. “Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town” — Mariah Carey
101. “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” — Sarah McLachlan
100. “It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” — Perry Como
99. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” — Michael Bublé
98. “Run Run Rudolph” — Kelly Clarkson
97. “Christmas Waltz” — Carpenters
96. “Up On The House Top (Ho Ho Ho)” — Gene Autry
95. “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” — Dean Martin
94. “O Holy Night” — Carrie Underwood
93. “Mistletoe And Holly” — Frank Sinatra
92. “(There's No Place Like) Home For The Holidays” — Carpenters
91. “This Christmas” — Mary J. Blige
90. “Silver Bells” — Martina McBride
89. “Happy Holiday / The Holiday Season” — Andy Williams
88. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” — The Jackson 5
87. “Merry Christmas Darling” — Carpenters
86. “It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas” — Michael Bublé

85. “Someday At Christmas” — Jack Johnson
84. “Frosty the Snowman” — The Ronettes
83. “Christmas Wrapping” — The Waitresses
82. “Sleigh Ride” — Johnny Mathis and Percy Faith & His Orchestra
81. “We Need a Little Christmas” — Johnny Mathis
80. “Snowman” — Sia
79. “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” — Andy Williams
78. “Believe” — Josh Groban
77. “Little Saint Nick” — The Beach Boys
76. “The Chanukah Song Part 3” — Adam Sandler and The Drei-Dels
75. “Mele Kalikimaka (Merry Christmas)” — Bing Crosby and The Andrews Sisters
74. “Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah” — Barenaked Ladies
73. “Santa, Can’t You Hear Me” — Kelly Clarkson and Ariana Grande
72. “White Christmas” — The Drifters
71. “Caroling, Caroling” — Idina Menzel
70. “Santa Baby” — Eartha Kitt
69. “Christmas Time Is Here - Vocal” — Vince Guaraldi Trio

68. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” — Mariah Carey
67. “Sleigh Ride” — Carpenters
66. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” — The Ronettes
65. “Carol of the Bells” — David Foster
64. “Caroling, Caroling” — Nat King Cole
63. “Jingle Bells” — Frank Sinatra
62. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” — Gene Autry
61. “Ring Christmas Bells” — The Ray Conniff Singers
60. “Christmas Tree Farm” — Taylor Swift
59. “It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas” — Johnny Mathis
58. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen / We Three Kings” — Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan
57. “Carol Of The Bells” — Lindsey Stirling
56. “Deck the Halls” — Nat King Cole
55. “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” — Johnny Mathis
54. “Jingle Bell Rock” — Bobby Helms
53. “Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)” — Gene Autry
52. “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” — The Jackson 5

51. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” — Darlene Love
50. “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)” — David Seville
49. “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing / Gloria (In Excelsis Deo)” — Mariah Carey
48. “Peace On Earth / The Little Drummer Boy” — Bing Crosby and David Bowie
47. “Winter Wonderland” — Johnny Mathis and Percy Faith & His Orchestra
46. “It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas” — Bing Crosby
45. “A Holly Jolly Christmas” — Burl Ives
44. “O Holy Night” — Céline Dion
43. “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” — Andy Williams
42. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” — Kenny G
41. “Skating” — Vince Guaraldi Trio
40. “Run Rudolph Run” — Chuck Berry
39. “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” — Burl Ives
38. “Blue Christmas” — Kelly Clarkson
37. “White Christmas” — Bing Crosby
36. “Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town” — Frank Sinatra
35. “Let It Snow!” — Michael Bublé

34. “Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)” — Elvis Presley
33. “Where Are You Christmas” — Faith Hill
32. “Joy to the World” — Percy Faith & His Orchestra & Chorus
31. “Feliz Navidad” — José Feliciano
30. “The Christmas Song (Merry Christmas To You)” — Nat King Cole
29. “The First Noël” — Josh Groban and Faith Hill
28. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” — Vince Vance & The Valiants
27. “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” — Dean Martin
26. “Blue Christmas” — Elvis Presley
25. “Do You Hear What I Hear?” — Bing Crosby
24. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” — Frank Sinatra
23. “Please Come Home for Christmas (Bells Will Be Ringing)” — Kelly Clarkson
22. “Do You Hear What I Hear?” — Whitney Houston
21. “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” — Frank Sinatra
20. “The Chanukah Song” — Adam Sandler
19. “Sleigh Ride” — The Ronettes
18. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” — Carpenters

17. “Christmas Eve / Sarajevo 12/24” — Trans-Siberian Orchestra
16. “I'll Be Home for Christmas” — Kelly Clarkson
15. “Christmas In Hollis” — Run–D.M.C.
14. “O Holy Night” — Josh Groban
13. “Merry Christmas Baby” — Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band
12. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” — Mariah Carey
11. “O Tannenbaum” — Vince Guaraldi Trio
10. “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” — Brenda Lee
9. “You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch” — Thurl Ravenscroft
8. “If I Get Home On Christmas Day” — Elvis Presley
7. “Sleigh Ride” — Leroy Anderson
6. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” — James Taylor
5. “Underneath the Tree” — Kelly Clarkson
4. “Fairytale of New York” — The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
3. “I Believe in Father Christmas” — Emerson,  Lake & Palmer
2. “Linus And Lucy” — Vince Guaraldi Trio
1. “Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town” — Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band

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You can hear what I hear through this Spotify playlist, in which each song is a little worse than the one before it.